Rudolph's Nose goes White in Cocaine Scandal

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer has been forced to resign from his position as Santa’s chief sleigh puller following tabloid revelations that the celebrity deer’s nose had turned from red to white due to a long term cocaine addiction.

According to local sources, ‘On one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say something to Rudolph. He called on Rudolph with his nose so bright, so he could guide the sleigh that night. Sadly, Rudolph was nowhere to be found. He was locked in the bathroom, sniffing cocaine off of the toilet seat.’

This is the latest scandal to face the North Pole since Santa had to ban Polish elves working in the toy factory after complaints about them ‘taking jobs from Christmasland elves when they ‘can’t even speak Elvish anyway’.

Santa Claus has apparently fired Rudolph from his high-profile job as the main sleigh puller, and checked him into a Los Angeles Rehab Center. At an emotional press conference, Rudolph told celebrity journalists; ‘I deeply regret the pain and hurt I have brought to Mr. Claus and my fellow reindeer. I am determined to put my life back on track, although the doctors say my nose will never be as shiny red now that the septum has completely disintegrated due to my drug use.’

Rumours about Rudolph’s cocaine habit had been circulating in the North Pole and Christmasland for some time, since the elves dubbed him, with tongue in cheek, ‘Crackhead the White Nosed Reindeer’. However, Dasher and the other deer have been defending their former leader. “How do you think the sleigh would ever fly without that sweet snow?’

-The Flipster
www.IFlipYouOff.com - Send an E-bird today!

Stupid Canadians!

Some poor Calgary man thought the $10 unlimited mobile browser plan he subscribed to meant he could tether his phone to his laptop and download movies. So he was rather shocked when he received a phone bill for $85,000 in the mail -- more than the price tag of one of Germany's finest sports sedans.

If you thought those $3,000 iPhone roaming bills were exorbitant, 22-year-old Piotr Staniaszek of Calgary, Canada, is much worse off. Apparently he recently renewed his phone contract with Canadian network operator Bell Mobility. Along with the new phone, he subscribed to a data plan. One which he thought was totally unlimited. Turns out that wasn't the case.

I don't know what Staniaszek does for a living, but the report I read said he was bored at work and thought to pass the time, he'd download some movies from the Internet and watch them on his PC. So he tethered the two and used his phone's wireless data capabilities to download high-definition movies. This was strictly forbidden in the fine print of his contract -- omething he obviously didn't read.

About 10 days ago, a $60,000 phone bill arrived at his parent's house. When Staniaszek called to complain, he was told that the total bill had risen to $85,000 because he was being charged by the kilobyte.

In an interview, Staniaszek said, "I told them I wasn't aware that I would be charged for hooking up my phone to the computer. I'm going to try and fight it because I didn't know about the extra charges. Nobody explained any of this to me."

Bell Mobility agreed to reduce the charges to $3,243 in a gesture of goodwill, but that's not enough for Staniaszek. He's vowed to fight the company until the bill is dropped entirely, even though he did download gigabytes worth of movies. Bell Mobility has said that Staniaszek should have known that using his phone as a modem fell outside of the normal data usage expected for a $10-per-month plan.

I don't know about you, but if I am going to spend $85,000 on something, it sure as heck ain't gonna be downloading movies over my phone. This should also be a warning signal to IT managers out there. Make sure your employees can't get themselves into similar trouble by implementing software to block such downloads.

-The Flipster

AT&T Lights Up Coast-To-Coast 40 Gbps Network

AT&T announced Monday that it has lit its coast-to-coast IP/MPLS (Multiprotocol Label Switching) network, which delivers speeds of up to 40-Gigabit on the backbone network.

The company said the network is the first of its kind and doesn't need multiplexing capability on its 50,000 wavelength miles. The network connects major U.S. cities and includes 18,000 miles of optical ultra-long- haul routes that eventually will be able to carry customer voice and data traffic at speeds of up to 100 Gbps.

AT&T competitors Verizon Communications and Qwest Communications are also building and enhancing 40 Gbps networks.

"As the demand for Internet and IP-based applications continues to explode, IP traffic on the AT&T network has doubled throughout the past two years," said John Stankey, group president of Telecom Operations at AT&T, in a statement. "We fully expect this substantial growth to continue in the future."

AT&T noted that the new nationwide backbone carries a variety of IP-based services ranging from wireless data and business video to data and voice services as well as private line and wavelength traffic. The network also services IP-based residential services and provides Web access for the company' 13.8 million DSL and AT&T U-verse customers.

The network upgrade was provided by Cisco's Carrier Routing System (CRS-1), which also will support future upgrades "for years to come," AT&T stated. The configuration has been designed to support system capacity up to 92 Terabits per second during continuous system operation.

On an average business day the IP/MPLS network carries more than 13.4 petabytes of data traffic, AT&T said. That translates to more than 2.1 megabytes for every human on earth while providing 99.99% reliability.

-David Gardner
Information Week

PLEASE! Get help now!

I ran across an interesting article when I did a Google search for "stop breathing during sleep".

Check it out here - Family Doctor Article on Sleep Apnea

Sleep Apnea is a breathing-related disorder characterized by a person literally stopping their breathing in the middle of the night. This can happen up to 400 times a night and could last a duration of up to 2 minutes per occurrence.

This is seriously scary as hell!

If you snore, think you snore, your partner complains about your snoring, or if you always feel tired during the day, seek help immediately! You could die from this as sleep apnea increases the risk of stroke, heart attack or death due to falling asleep while doing something important, like driving or operating a piece of machinery.


-The Flipster

A little Friday Humor to end the week...

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, with the woman behind the wheel. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”

The officer says, “May I see your license?”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.” The woman gives him her license.

The officer says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with the nastiest woman I have ever had.”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

“HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”, the old man yells.

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have a good weekend!

-The Flipster

Hey! it's only a job!

Yesterday, I witnessed one of my "corporate" salespersons break out into tears. Being the compassionate person I am, I approached her and inquired what was the problem. After composing herself, she began to tell me of her problems with a potential new client. This client wanted some pretty strange requests. Things like wanting monthly meetings in person to go with the performance reports, a tour of our corporate office (a big 700 square feet!) and detailed reports of how we fund our operation. Now instead of telling these people to piss off, she wanted to work with them to get the business. Make sense to me. But, that kind of stress is not necessary. At the end of the day, it is just a job. Crying, hair pulling, screaming, gnashing of teeth is not the best way to go about daily business. Don't shorten your life over a few bucks!

You are far more productive if you let the bullcrap go and focus on the issues you can either control or deeply influence.

Just go home, have a beer, take a nap and be ready to work some more tomorrow!

-The Flipster

Sports Cars to display driver's penis size

The British Government has decreed that all high-powered sports cars will have to comply with a new law designed to reduce carbon emissions. From January 1st all cars with an engine size of greater than three litres will have to display a separate license, similar to a taxi plate, clearly stating the size of the driver’s penis.

Porsche have claimed that their decision to withdraw completely from the UK market on the same date is ‘entirely coincidental’

and denied that their customers would be the worst affected.

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson blasted the idea before announcing that he had succumbed to ‘Global Warming guilt’ and was downgrading his car to a one point three Renault. ‘Little’ Richard Hammond however was surprisingly seen at the Ferrari showroom smugly ordering a top of the range model and an illuminated plate.

Other British drivers have been lobbying the Government to embrace the metric system so that six inches may appear as a bold fifteen cm.. Female motorists welcomed the move and are exempt from the law by default. ‘It’s not just a matter of anatomy’ explained the Transport Minister. ‘Very few women are attracted to these brash and expensive vehicles, though the ones that are might have to display the penis size of their footballer husband.’

Another law was blocked by SUV drivers who won an appeal against their IQs being displayed on their cars. It was successfully argued that in the vast majority of cases the simple 4×4 multiplication on the back of their vehicles already gave the correct answer.

She isn't dying!?

After hearing from doctors that 93-year-old Maud Price had only a couple of days to live, her family decided to move Maud from the local NHS trust hospital to the comfortable surroundings of Apple Trees, a top class private hospice. They have since expressed admiration and some surprise at her ability to ‘hang-on-in-there,’ in the GBP850-day facility.

‘We all wanted Nanna to be as comfortable as possible in her final hours, money was no object,’ said Granddaughter Katie, ‘but, that was three months ago, I’m astonished she’s still with us. It just goes to show that her generation are made of stronger stuff.’

Maud’s family fear the GBP150,000 raised from the sale of her bungalow and furniture will not last much longer. Katie is worried that if her grandmother keeps going she won’t just have spent their inheritance, but the family will have to start paying out to keep her in the home, ‘not that I would want it any other way’ said Katie hurriedly, ‘we all love her, she’s a real trooper.’

The consultant treating Mrs Price has admitted that he’s amazed at her refusal to die, he has even joked that she could rally further and go on for another few years. Katie appeared to express mixed feelings that her Grandmother could be around for some time to come, ‘I mean, when it’s family, you don’t mind the money do you? Yet, one has to be practical too, if she lasts another fortnight I can kiss goodbye to that new car; a month and the kids can forget about that trip to Disney I promised them.

‘I may have a fiddle with that drip thing; it’s what she would have wanted.’

Parents Upset Must-have toys are "Easy to Get"

Parents expecting a long struggle to get hold of popular Christmas children’s toys and gadgets are reported to be extremely disappointed this year. High street and online retailers across the country say they are well stocked and ready to supply even the most in-demand products.

Failure to provide ‘must-have gifts’ has always been portrayed as a nightmare for parents but in fact parents relish the annual opportunity to prove themselves to their offspring. The ritual can also be beneficial for children because as one child admitted, ‘If Mum and Dad don’t get us what we want for Christmas they feel guilty all year.’ Traditionally parents across the country have been willing to punch, kick and bite in toy shops as if their life depended upon it.

But tragically this year, thanks to better marketing and distribution software most retailers say their manufacturers are much better informed of likely demand and will be able to supply enough goods for everyone.

One divorced father was appalled at what he calls ‘a lack of forethought’ from retailers. Mr John Rivers from Manchester claims that most parents feel a deep seated need to trawl the shops and internet for elusive toys and gadgets. ‘I paid over GBP600 for a Nintendo Wii last year but it showed my son how much I love him. He was the only kid in his class to get one and I think that shows just who the best parent is. He thought the gift his Mother gave him was crap.’

This sentiment is echoed by Melissa Jones of Bristol who spent three days last December camped outside the city’s branch of ‘Toys R Us’ waiting for a delivery of Xbox 360’s for her daughter Olivia. ‘She’s only 15 months old but it was very important that she got one. How could I have faced the other parents at nursery knowing that all I had got her was a doll or something?’

Judge orders retrial in Bambi mother murder

A US judge today ordered a retrial in the infamous ‘Bambi’s Mummy’ shooting, which has continued to generate controversy and media interest ever since the seemingly random murder shocked an entire nation.

The famous young fawn Bambi became an orphan after the brutal woodland murder. Following intense pressure to make an arrest, police finally charged Elmer Fudd, a lone hunter with learning difficulties linked to a chronic speech defect. Mr Fudd, described as a ‘short friendless social outcast with an interest in firearms’, was an easy fit for the desperate detectives even though he always maintained he was out ‘wabbit hunting’ at the time of the shooting.

However the judge this week decided that the jury had been ‘misled’ by prosecutors about the significance of the invisible speck of firearm discharge residue that was found by forensic scientists more than a year after the event. It also transpires that information was withheld from the jury concerning potentially damaging revelations about the career of Bambi’s mother. Only subsequently has it emerged that as a young doe she had appeared in low-budget ‘hide-flicks’ such as ‘Buck Rogers’ and ‘Deep Goat’.

Mr Fudd has already been acquitted of aggravated arson after careful study of contemporary footage revealed the forest fire to have been caused by an accident. In a separate case, a judge has dismissed as ‘completely without evidence’ the repeated claims that Roger Rabbit may have been framed.